My body and me

Don't you hate it when you abosolutely need your body to do something and it just wont. That's what it's been like for me all day, well...all week. My body has finally decided enough is enough.

I tried to play racqueteball. I did win some games in my class, but the "duh debi" games that i should have won I just couldn't get my body to play. I couldn't hit the ball with my racquete, I couldn't move fast, it's like i was in jello and couldn't move at all.

Then I skipped swimming class on Tuesday this week. I just couldn't get myself to go "Yea! it's swimming!" I think if I did go to swimming I would've drownd. There's no way I could have swam 500 Meters. My body was dead.

In my aerobics class, lately I've been doing half the intensity. I say to my body "Let's go! This is fun stuff. Show that step what's up" and no, it says back "grrrrr....you gotta be kidding me....you just got done with karate and you want me to do what? I don't think so."

Today I was going to belay some people in my ropes coarse class but my right shoulder wasn't going to have it at all. It screamed at me "no way! Pain, hurtful pain, lots of pain, you do and I'm firing myself!" and that was it. I couldn't do it. I let someone else and I sat around and did nothing.

So now I'm using my rice heat pack more often on my shoulder. My body has to work for me next week. I can't skip class it's almost midterms.

I'm hoping that this weekend will be relaxful and that my body will recover. I HOPE!

This Sunday

So today was Sunday. It was an eventful Sunday. I did things that I normaly wouldn't do.

I started my day off with an unexpected phone call. I had forgotten to turn my phone off like I generally do on a Saturday night, so that I'm not rudely awaken on a day that I will be sleeping in. I got out of bed at 10:30 and answered the phone. It was our ward exec. secretary wanting me to come talk with one of the bishoperick members. I informed him that he had just woke me up and I was really tired. He didn't buy into my lame excuse and said to come up to the bish's office (which happens to be 2 floors directly above me) and to wear my PJ's or whatever. So I did. In Sweats and a hat, I went up to the office and layed on the couch until it was my turn. Then Brother Allen called me in and talked with me about my calling and I finally excepted it. I kept putting it off last couple of weeks cause I am very nervous about it, but now I am a Relief Society Pianist. I usually don't like playing the piano for anyone, so I tried not to let people know that yes, I actually play the piano.

I went home after the meeting and actually started to get ready for church since I was awake and couldn't go back to sleep.
This was the second sunday in a row that I actually went to church. Last Sunday I didn't go to Relief Society, but I did make it to the other 2 meetings. So it was the first Sunday in awhile that I actually made it to all 3 meetings.

I was asked to give the closing prayer in sunday shcool and I did. I didn't turn the invitation down like I generally do.

I took my room mates over to my parents house for a BBQ. My room mates and family got along pretty well, so I think I'll be takin' 'em back over for more dinners.

I started on an outline on a paper that is due this Wednesday in my wilderness skills class. I got my name and the title with about 2 points I intend to cover and half a thesis statement. Oh, good times with homework.

After ward prayer, I played some games at my apartment with a few friends and then we went on a walk up to the temple. Unfortuneatly one of my friends had to leave half way through the walk, so I walked him back down to his car.

I has been interesting day.

The Decision

"Are you okay?"
with so many feelings left undefined
how to convey?

Grasping my head
as tears seem to be unstopable
nothing more said

Silence surrounds
everything is lost in darkness
in tears, screams drown

Hopes for the best
but expecting for the worst
hearts layed to rest

Decision made
nothing I could do
price to be paid

Torn in many ways
another cold November
passing the days

It's all fun in games till someone looses an eye

Going through today, I found myself recognizing all the things that I feel keep me safe, whether physically or emotionally. I woke up this morning from another bad dream with people fighting and dying. As I awoke disturbed and somewhat horrified, I felt comforted and safe be surrounded by my pillows. My fort of pillows has always made me feel safe when I am sleeping or just laying on my bed.

I got out of bed and got ready for school. On my way out I noticed that our door was still locked and was greatful for the lock keeping me safe that night from any intruders.

I jumped into my truck and buckled my seat belt, and drove to school. My seat belt has kept me safe in many instances. I have been in a few car wrecks, none of them my fault, and a few of them I wasn't driving. Without my seat belt I don't think I would be alive today.

I got to my first class which happened to be rackettball. How safer I felt while wearing my eye protection glasses. The ball came close to my face several times and so did a racket.

After that class was over, I went to my institute class. There's just a feeling in that building that is peaceful and safe. We talked about the gospel and Jesus Christ who is the safety net in life. The gospel provides safety in our life more than we could ever know.

I then went to my last class of the day- Wilderness skils. We learned how to fell out injury reports and how to deal with injuries on paper. Our fake injury we reported about was concerning a Pirate named Billy Bob who lost his only eye in a freak pole dual with our instructor while setting up a shelter. Oh, good times! So now if ever I someone gets hurt, I will know how to fill out the paper work! After that we cooked food over small burner stoves outside. Because we are in a "skills" class, safety is always first and is stressed constantly. However, I and half the class burned our tounges on the hot food that we had prepared. Looks like we will have to all fill out those injury reports.

I drove home, got ready for work, and was walking out to my truck when I crossed paths with a friend. As I gave him a hug I felt as though all the stress that was my mind had disapeard for those few seconds and everything in that moment was okay and I was safe.

I drove to work. When I got there, I met my co-worker Lee. I knew that I could rely on him and if anything went wrong he'd be there.

I got home and found my room mates and another friend of mine at my apartment. We all chatted, I did some homework, watched part of a movie and then walked to Wendy's with my friend to get some food. I'm glad he was there. It was good to have his company, but also it was later at night and having him there was good for safety reasons considering that I'm a girl and walking Provo at night, no matter the distance, isn't safe alone.

There are so many things in our lives that keep us safe. We just never stop to look, have gratitude for, or pay any attention to them. We take the little things such as a lock on our front door for granted. But that's life these days. We get so caught up in the big and busy things we don't stop to appreciate the small and simple things that actually save our lives.

Silence is loud

So there are times when you want to think and you just can't. There are also those times when you think too much and can't put the thoughts and images in your head into literate English. I think I'm in both these days.

As I sit in a room with friends or family I find myself thinking I have nothing to say and then thinking that I want to say everything, but I remain silent. I sit and listen and watch everyone else. I keep to myself. But then I realized that no, this isn't anything new.

Silent All These Years by Tori Amos:

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog wont bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me- you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I dont care cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and its been years
Silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
Whats so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
Hows that thought for ya

My scream got lost in a paper cut
You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think its enough
To get us there

Cause what if Im a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I dont care cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and its been years
Silent all these years

Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by and I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange cloud raining in my head
Years go by and I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know were too easy, easy, easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now but baby dont look up
The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
Its your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you, take a hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I dont care cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And its been here
Silent all these years
I've been here
Silent all these years

Happiness

There is 2 different kinds of happiness, the real and the fake. We all know that the real comes from God and the fake comes from Satan and we also know that the real is everlasting when the fake is temporal. Real happiness is not based upon what is going on in our lives, things that we have, other people, or our trials and hardships. For if it is, we truley aren't happy.

There is a scene in the movie About A Boy where Hugh Grant is talking to a boy Marcus who is about to commit social suicide by singing (horribly) in front of his entire school to make his mom happy. Hugh Grant tries to explain to Marcus that nothing that he does could make his mom happy because if people are the one's that make you happy, then they can also make you unhappy.

When life gets hard and seems unbareable, we need to remember what are real happiness is based upon. We need not to turn to the fake and temporal happiness; don't start to look around and find mediocre happiness because it will eventually make you even more unhappy.

Things you learn

The other day (Monday) as my raquetteball class was coming to an end, I debated on staying and playing a few more games instead of going to institute, but I decided to go to class. The lesson that day was on the guidence of the spirit, however as the lesson progressed I got caught up and stuck in my own self taught lesson. As a class we read about Alma and his own personal trials and him receiving remission of sin. In Alma 38:8 Is where i really got stuck. It reads:

"And it came to pass that I was three days and three nights in the most bitter pain and anguish of soul; and never, until I did cry out unto the Lord Jesus Christ for mercy, did I receive a remission of my sins. But behold, I did cry unto him and I did find peace to my soul".

As I read through that scripture, many things came to my mind, the words "in the most bitter pain and anguish of soul" really got me for that is what I have been feeling. Mostly due to my own bad decisions and sins, but also from others who have hurt me and I took the pain and turned it into my own complete bitter pain and anguish. I was blown away that he used those exact words to describe how he was feeling. I have been using those words as well to describe what I was feeling way before I read that scripture. It was comforting to me to know that I wasn't the only one who has ever felt that way. That Alma, being the great man that he was, went through similar feelings and I appreciate to know that there is a good way to deal with those kinds of feelinging and that is turning to the Lord.

He did CRY unto God and found peace to his soul. This was a hard lesson for me to learn and then to APPLY it. I was so excited to learn that I could find peace in all the bitter pain and anguish of my soul, but I didn't want to go to God and drop my pride. I wanted to feel peace, but I didn't want to ask God for it. I felt like it was something I could and should do for myself. Turning to God for peace isn't easy for me, but I know that it is the only I can find it.

Another concept that I relearned was that it wasn't until he cried out to Christ that he did receive remission for his sins. This is yet another one of the many things I have forgotten. It is only through Christ that we can be clean. And once again I found myself wanting to be clean, but not willing to make the effort to go to Him and ask to be made clean and whole once more.

I try so hard to be independant of everyone including God. For if I can't do it on my own, how am I going to learn? Why should I ask others to help me? If others need to help me, it is only because I am weak and can't do it on my own. Oh how false this is! I know just how dumb that reasoning is, yet I still have the perception in me that I need to keep trying to do everything alone. Asking and receiving help from others and God, is not a weakness.

Asking for help is showing humbleness, a great Godly quality. Going to God for help is showing him that you trust him and that you are willing to let him lead you. How much of our lives do we try to do on our own? We need to ask ourselves... WHY? Life is so incredibly easier with God, but why do we often not include Him?

I'm glad I went to institue! I now have the goal to make more of an effort to be there (on time) and really focus on not only the lesson, but my own thoughts, feelings, and what I need to be getting out of it.

Tragedy struck hard

Today- 9/11/06. Today, brings the Five year aniversary of a tragic day that nor I or anyone in this country can forget. My racketball teacher this morning before instructing said that his only request of the day is that we keep in mind this country, our freedoms and "just how damn good we have it".
Do you remember where you were?
Five years ago I was sleeping on the floor of the down stairs family room at my parents house. I was 18. I had just got back into Provo a few weeks earlier from Oregon. It was early in the morning (before noon), when I was woke up by the phone ringing. I answered it in my - do you know what time it is and why are you waking me up- voice. My bestfriend Kai was calling me and sounded sartled on the phone "Turn on the TV!" I wasn't going to play his little game and watch some dumb comercial or sitcom that he thought was retarded. My reply came from pure annoyance and tiredness "No, why should I? Do you know what time it is?" "Debi, turn the TV on the world trade center was hit with a plane" and then the dumbest thing I could have ever said came from my mouth "And this has to do with me how???". Finally he lost all patients and told me to get my mom on the phone. I then realized that maybe this was important and turned the TV on. After a moment of watching the news I said to Kai "Wo! The world Trade Center was hit with a plane" His reply to that was a mear "Duh! I told you!" Kai and I sat on the phone discussing the situation and then we both watched in shock as another plane had crashed into the second building. We hung the phone up a bit after that and I was glued to the TV screen until I had to go to work early in the afternoon.
The rest of that day was filled with a sorrowful silence. Everyone seemed quiet, to themselves, yet in a deep greatfulness.
It was tragic.
I remember that day. I will always remember that day.

All that I bleed

All That I Bleed by Savatage

Someone
Got themselves a letter
In the mail the other day
It's already worn and tattered
And I guess
It gives away

All the things we keep inside
All the things that really matter
The face puts on it's best disguise
And all is well
Until the heart
Betrays

She knows
As she reads her letter
That things were bound to stray
Winds blow
She pulls her coat tighter
And the letter flies away
With all the things she keeps inside
All the things that really matter
The face puts on it's best disguise
And all is well
Until the heart betrays

Lord bring on the night
Wrap it all around me
Let it hold me tight
Soak up all that I bleed

Lord bring on the night
Wrap it all around me
Let it hold me tight
Soak up all that I bleed

And I'll fly away
Yeah I'll fly away
Yeah I'll fly away
Watch me

Lord bring on the night
Wrap it all around me
Let it hold me tight
Soak up all that I bleed

I bleed

The greatest wall is bigger than China's

Has this happen to you: You're with a friend of yours. You know you can tell this friend anything in the world and they wouldn't think any less of you. This friend asks you deep things about your life and you just couldn't tell them. You wanted so badly to let them know the deeper, more meaningful things of what's going on in your life, but you just couldn't form the words. You were practically screaming it as loud as you could inside thinking that maybe they might be able to hear it some how, but also knowing that they couldn't. This has happened to me a few times over the past week with a couple different friends of mine. I believe that the walls I have built up, especially recently, have taken their toll on my friendships and relationships because I distant myself from people. As a friend of mine put it to me recently "Debi, you're like Fort Knox". I appreciated that comment and took it to heart, that yes, I, like my bed of pillows, am like Fort Knox except my interntal walls are made of titanium. But why do we have these walls? What in your life has caused you to hide, or protect yourself, and from what are you trying to protect yourself from? Even with a friend who means something greatly to you and you trust with your life, you still find cause to hold up the wall and defend it with everything you have. Is there a way for these walls to come down? Yes there is, but you have to make the choice to lower the draw bridge. There are risks doing this though. Are you willing to take the risks? I don't know if I am truely ready for that kind of wall breaking again. I do know and understand the pain that can be caused by letting people through those walls and I'm not sure I want to feel that again any time soon. So I appologize now for anything that I say or not say about me, and say thank you for being patient with me. Maybe someday, sometime, somewhere, with someone I will.

creating balance

It is good to have balance in your life. Getting enough sleep, socialness/play time, "me" time, the right foods, school, exercize, and work. But balancing these things can be quite difficult and that is how I have found some of these to be. I do get enough sleep only because I've refused to take any class that starts earlier than 10:00 AM, so i can stay up later. I have alot of "me" time. Sometimes too much I think. My "me" time starts as soon as i get out of class, goes for about one to five hours and ends when i get to work, but then often continues after work until I go to sleep. I haven't learned to eat right yet. My favorite food is still ice cream, and I can't seem to find something that is more healthy and on the same level of convenience as a nice bowl of cold cereal! My exercize and school have mingled together nicely. I get plenty of exercize with my four P.E. classes (swimming, karate, rackettball and aerobcs) and 2 Recreational classes (Wilderness Skills and Ropes Course Facilitation). I work up a sweat every day. I work part time. Just enough to keep me financially afloat and pay for school stuff, though i still think I could pick up a few hours here and there. But mostly I find that I am having problems with balancing my socialness, and play time. It's not that I have too much of that going on, it's that I find that when it comes time to venture out and find myself some people to hang with, I convince myself, strangely enough, that staying home and doing nothing would be more satisfying. This concept of mine is all new to me. I have never thought that way before and I'm not quite sure just what to think of myself for that. What's the deal? Everything else seems to be mostly balanced except for food which will be undergoing construction. I see the importance of having good play time, but find myself unmotivated to do so. But things are still good. Evertything seems to be moving along and I'm sure that the world will keep turning.